Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life

I do believe that letting go of some of our expectations of others is an important part of bringing peace to our lives. I do believe that people waste a lot of time and energy worrying about things they can't change or might not even happen. I do think that careful introspection is helpful when we've accused others of doing something hurtful or wrong.

Still... Byron Katie would have you believe that nothing is true. You tell her, "My father beat me." "I lost a child." "My mother was a drug addict." "My cousin molested me." "My husband had an affair." And she will ask you if you know for sure that those things are true. And let me tell you, according to her, the answer is always, "no."

But let's say the answer is a big fat, "yes." Okay, then the next question would be: How do you feel when you think that thought? Well, when someone thinks about really upsetting, sad and damaging things that have happened to them - of course they feel anxious, stressed, sad, etc.

Then Katie wants to know who you would be if you dropped that thought. Now, here's where I can't get on board - how do you drop the thought that you were molested as a child, beaten - that you've lost someone you loved fiercely? Can a person just decide not to think about that anymore? Can you chalk the loss or hurt up to "just a thought?"

The kicker would be the final question - the turnaround. If you say, "My father should not have molested me when I was a child" - Katie will ask you to change the statement to one of the following:
"I should not have molested my father when I was a child."
"I should not have molested me when I was a child."
"My father should have molested me when I was a child." (In Katie's world - he should have done it, because he did.)

I understand that wishing the past had been different is fruitless. But asking these questions simply cannot apply to every painful situation. People are supposed to feel pain, fear, anxiety, loss. That's normal! It's not normal to have it consume your life or keep you from making good choices - but humans are hardwired to feel.

I don't understand why Katie believes that everyone should do what they are doing because that is what they are doing. If you tell her, "My husband should not use drugs" "My son should not disrespect me" "My neighbors shouldn't abuse their kids" or "My friend should keep her promises to me," Katie will tell you that you are wrong. People should only do what they want to do, what they are doing - until they stop doing it. In her world, you can't say, "My husband shouldn't hit me." She will ask you to turn that around into, "My husband should hit me" or "I should not hit me" (and then come up with some metaphorical way in which you are actually harming yourself.)

Please. People have feelings. And I can't live in a world where there aren't any absolutes or behavioral expectations. People should not abuse drugs. People should not steal. People should not be rude an inconsiderate. Husbands should not beat their wives or their kids. These are things I believe are true. No, Katie, I can't drop those thoughts.Get more detail about Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life.